Almost!

Hello all!
I am most definitely miffed. For I have been unceremoniously brushed aside today. Jilted. Sidelined. Ignored.
And that too, in this era, where feminism is one of the watchwords of the nation, and achievements by women are at their High Tide.

Do you know i almost rode on a truck today?
Yes, almost.

See, it began like this. A courier guy came in a truck to deliver some bulky stuff at our place, but couldn't, because they were laying the road. (As those of you have visited me anytime in the past 15 months or so know, they have been at this for a very very long time indeed. Me thinks they are trying to make it a National Highway or something. Except that our road is around 2 feet wide and is also a cul-de-sac.)
And so, the truck driver asked if we knew anyone who lived on a road that was not brimming with life-threateningly jagged rocks and boulders. Since we have some very gracious neighbours, (readers please note that gracious is an understatement because these people had to store around 144kgs of stuff until our road became a National Highway) I, our odd-job man and the truck driver were soon negotiating our way toward the truck.
At this point I must tell you that until I was about ten years old, my biggest dream was to be a truck-driver(ess?). I used to watch in wide-eyed admiration that Shubha Mudal song video involving a woman trucker. Before that I wanted to be an ice-cream vendor. But we digress.
I was almost rubbing my hands with glee as we neared the truck, and inside my head were images of me gently bobbing along in it, a la the curly-haired rustic in Yun Hi Chala Chal Rahi. But when we reached the truck, I noticed a very ungentlemanly chink in the driver's armour (please get your minds out of the gutter, this is a metaphor.) With a breezy "Walk along, Miss, and stand at the turning please", the man got into his truck and revved the engine.
Seeing that what was under his canopy was really bulky (again, a metaphor), I squared my shoulders and proceeded to leg it. I should mention at this point that our handy man had come on a bicycle, and let alone ask me whether i wanted a lift, he took off towards the destination without so much as a glance in my direction. Hmph! Men indeed!
But then, this bicycle was a very seedy and questionable looking one, and was probably bought second-hand after it was battered during the shooting of Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander, so i let it go. Now we had me, racing to keep up with a truck and a bicycle, so i broke into a jog (and a sweat) a la Aamir Khan in Dil. (Yes, i know. My life makes you sad) I will have you know that I ran like an Olympic torch bearer, and those men stopped every 10 seconds or so to let me keep up.
Men.
Sigh.
Ok, I've gotta go now. Hey! Is that a road-roller? Can i ride along? Wait for me!

PS: Feedback is welcome. Do comment.

Aaaaaaaaaaargh (Contd.)

As every one who has ever attempted to write humour knows, embellishment (or Imagineering, as a friend calls it) is an integral part of spinning funny tales. As the old adage goes "Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story!"

However, this blog post literally wrote itself. I've barely touched the original sentences, except, in some cases, to actually make them more readable (sad but true..)

Say hello to some of my prospective suitors..
(What follows are excerpts from some e-profiles that I've received, with my devilishly funny comments on the same in bracketed italics.. Enjoy!)

Hi I don’t know how to express about my self its quite difficult task.
I am a little bit shay talk about my self. Down to earth grate respect to elders well motivated and carrier (tiffin-carrier??) minded. God fairing person simply I am looking for a girl with same things (bizzare, that) . I brought up in several countries (you don't say?) with a grate Hindu, Tamil, Brahmin background.
I think I am bit soft person that others say.
Good Luck for your surch
(It grates, to say the least..)

We are of orthodox and somewhat moderate also.
(And very vague also?)

I am the highest GENIUS.
(No, its not Hawking. I checked.)

SEND FAMILY AND PERSONAL DETAILS WITH RECENT PHOTO TO ....
(You leave my family outta this, hear?)

I AM VERY SHORT TEMPERED.
(Tellin' it like it is!)

IN MY HOUSE A SWEET PET ANIMAL CAT IS THERE (NAME IS PUSSY PUTTA).....
(I decline to comment)

LOOKING FOR A LIFE PARTNER WHO SHARE MY SADNESS & HER HAPPINESS THROUGHOUT OUR LIFETIME...
(A scary new dimension to equal-sharing in relationships)

I am considering working in a Shipping company from last 5 years.
(Phew! Almost missed that!)

(WARNING: Greek Mythology-like stuff ahead!)

my family four members. my self my sister married. (Don't even ask!)
and father and mother are loving. (er...ok)
i am working wipro bho soulation (trying to blur the name of the company for security reasons?)
at present i am working in night sifits only who have interested and havingfath on me running good family life can conduct us. (and if i conducted you part-time, would that make me a semi-conductor?? sorry, couldn't resist.. ;)
i am not going to be all ways night sifit i am trying day sifit also. (day AND night??? come on!)
sometime my life partner should understand and live with us. (so, part time it is! yay!)

i am intrested to give life for poor family.
(Suicide case?)

MY YOUNGER FATHER IS A MANAGER..
(I hope, sincerely, that he means his Chittappa..)

MY SISTER GOT MARRIED 5YEARS BEFORE SHE WAS BORN IN ENGLAND.
(Due to the different time-zones? Probably just due to a full-stop)

i work as lecturer my mother is an house wife. My father was an retired teacher
(One of those 'Education-ruined-me' types. I hope.)

Seeking for a Girl from good family willing to work.
(An entire family in one fell swoop! Talk about value for money!)

Now i am Alone. I have one Elder brother. Now only he married.
(I actually feel a little sad for him.)

I am Jovial typed person.
(Not a stereo-typed description, this one!)

I want bride straight forwarded.
(Looking for a female or an email?)

My bride should takeing care of my parents as his own parents.
(Looking for a male??)

I am a person of liking modern thoughts in mind and following traditional values.
(So, in a word, two-timer?)

I'm from Chennai, when we meet that time i explain about myself.
(Nice try!)

I am an active.
(As in Grammar? Chemistry? Electronics? Engine Oil?)

My Golden words:
Plan Purposefully,
Prepare Prayerfully,
Proceed Positively,
Pursue Persistently.
(There were seven more such paragraphs of solid gold. I deleted them all. You're welcome.)
I like COMEDY very much. By sensitive humor sense, i can understand everybody's thoughts. I am not telling the heroism, just telling the character. AT THE SAME TIME, I WANT TO BE A SIMPLE AND POWERFUL PERSON IN OUR SOCIETY.By GOD'S GRACE, definitely it will become true.That's all. Please don't add EXTRA fittings while thinking about me, if any.
(modesty personified, aye?)
About My family ( including you):
Meaning of LOVE
With Affectionately,
(Name Withheld. For obvious reasons. And so are the comments. For i couldn't find any printable ones.)

My name is (withheld), Looking for a match which will match all the criterias form both the sides and looking for a great feedback.
(Definitely an engineer. No one else can spin a yarn like that.)

I AM RESPECT AND ATTACH MY RELATIVES.
(Thank you. I shall download them as soon as I receive them.)

i am serving in city union bank responsible for cash operations
(Say no more. I do.)

PS: In exchange for my blood, sweat, tears and other body fluids, all I ask for is your comments..

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

(A post born out of pure frustration)
Who says we haven't achieved anything in 10,000 plus years of existence? Society, my friends has perfected and polished, for good measure, the fine art of harasing the cr*p out of marriageable young girls.
Yes, dear friends, I am one of the hapless beings in the above category and by early next year, you will be witnessing the finale of the (very bizzare) game of Kaun Banega MeraPati.

How in the name of God did this madness begin? Lets see...
Long long ago, when the daughter of one of the first cavemen grew up, her father scanned the horizon time and again to see if any cave-boy was coming to carry her off. And when the horizon loomed large and empty as ever, a crease appeared on the father's brow. (I am NOT making this up) And thus society's first disease was born.

'Singleness', lets call it. This disturbing condition in an otherwise healthy young woman has ever since been viewed as a disease - a dangerous disease, mind you, second only to Bubonic plague. (By the by, don't you think Bubonic is too cheerful a word to be linked to this deadly disease? I mean I really like the sound of this word. Here, listen to it. Bubonic. Bubonic.)

Hmmmm.. where were we? Ah, yes, I was detailing my personal problems and you were lending me a patient ear. This big scourge of my life began with a very irresolute decision by my parents, you know. One of those resolutions you make, just to put your mind to rest. Something like "I will make better tea tomorrow." (Men, move on. I don't expect you to understand this. If you DO, though, i would be VERY interested to hear from you. Mail me. Now.)

So, to carry on with my woes, I especially find it very trying to speak to any well-wishers now. These people, who only a few years ago, were pinching my rather substantial cheeks and mouthing 'coochicoochicoo...' or some other such inanity, now convolute their faces into sympathetic expressions that the bad-news-bearing-Hindi-filmi-doctors of yore would've been proud to own.
"Tch! Tch!" they go, assuring us that they will do all they can to help, and finally conclude with "Well! Uparwale ke ghar mein der hai, lekin andher nahin." (Loosely translates to: In the house of God, there may be red-tapism , but never power-cut.)

And the tumour grew. Now, we get unsolicited postcards from utterly unfamiliar people.(When I find out who gave our address to them, someone is going to be very, very sorry for themselves)

Some of these are bewildering. There is one, in particular, about which, after three days of straining our eyes, we made the path-breaking discovery that it had been written in English. Now all we have to do is find out what it says.

The other day, a freedom fighter called us and offered to plonk me down into a 'good' household. A freedom fighter, for God's sake. FREEDOM FIGHTER. The irony's about as subtle as a ton of bricks.

Oh, the wicked wickedness of society. We can't do much about it, I guess. Sigh.

But, on the brighter side, there is humour even in THIS! Yes indeed, as we shall see in my next post: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! (Contd.)
Don't miss it!!

PS: Comment, goddamnit!

College Musings...

To begin at the beginning, I'm working as a lecturer in one of those innumerable concentration camps in Tamil Nadu, that guilelessly go by the name of Engineering Colleges.
Yes indeed, I teach Electronic Circuits-I and Principles of Data Communication to certain hapless souls who are still trying to figure out what mistake they are paying the price for.

And, folks, this is a FINE college, one of the FINEST in the land, not least because:
1. You get fined for walking around with gilt on your face ON THE DAY OF THE DEPARTMENT FEST.
2. If you don't button your cuffs, the department will staple them shut for you and FINE YOU the cost of the stapler.
3. You get fined for eating inside the classroom, stepping on the dais, not shaving, and wearing anything but fire-resistant crocodile-skin boots to class.

Interestingly though, you don't get fined for talking during break-time. That, dear reader, is so lowly an offence that the students only have to spend an entire day standing silently, without so much as a movement, and gleefully trying to calculate the money they have saved by not committing a fine-worthy act.

Another thing, the number of arrear papers is phenomenally low. I don't know whether to attribute this to the Rs100-per-paper exam fees (interestingly, it is also compulsory to register for ALL your papers, current and outstanding, EVERY semester - and I hear that Anna University is shifting its HQ to the Cayman Islands from next semster onwards); or whether the good results are because of this Undertaking that students with arrear papers have to sign, and which i reproduce below verbatim for your gentle perusal.

I, ______________, am having ____ arrear papers. I understand that I have a lot of resposibilities and have joined this Institution to fulfill my parents' wishes. I respect my parents and their feelings. {Transcriber's Note: Mwuaahahaa!} I will prepare well for the model exam and score good marks. I will also follow the instructions given by my staff members and HOD
to clear all the papers. If my performance in the model examination is not satisfactory, I request you to take necessary action.

(Signature of the Student)

Wait! Its not over yet! The unfortunate student who has signed the above undertaking also gets
his photograph taken, holding the Undertaking, wanted-criminal ishtyle, and then he is warned
that if he does not keep his word, the photos will be sent to his home. If this isn't blackmail, then I don't know what is! I mean, what's next? A dungeon, replete with ball gags, whips and paddles? A li'l spank-spank-spank if you've written your exams baaaaaaaaaaaaaaadly?? ;-) Well, before I let my imagination run away with me, lets move on..

Beloved reader, my blood curdles when I imagine that the end-product of this ridiculous system of education; the vapid, lobotomised geek who is only galvanised by fear, will be the future of my country, will be building bridges and homes, running the economy and taking far-reaching decisions on national policy.
Something to think about, perhaps?

PS: Do take a minute to write a comment. Its all we poor bloggers get, you know.. ;-)

Examination Bloopers

Long before I decided (read 'was forced'; but more on that later) to become a teacher, I had my very own collection of favourite exam howlers, carefully purloined from many an unsuspecting jokebook. Some of the out-standing ones were:

1.A census-taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
(No wonder India's population rises each time a census is taken!)

2.Crop Rotation is done so that crops may get the sun on all sides.
(And one thought that was why the Sun rotated..)

3.Cleopatra died as a result of being bitten by an ass.
(Still trying to picture that one..)

I will not insult your intelligence by telling you the famous Neils Bohr-John Rutherford howler. That email forward has been around the globe 10000000000000000000000000000000 times. (Clue: Barometer. If you still don't get it, go to the top of a really tall building and jump.)

Well, my students are not quite as enterprising, but their answer papers did provide their poor tired, humour-starved teacher a guffaw or two. Keep it up, kiddos!
Some of the best:

1.Q:What is a Guard Band?:
(To the uninitiated, this is a small no man's band of frequencies that exists between the frequency bands allotted to two adjacent radio/TV stations, in order to prevent interference)
Ans: The Guard Band is a band made out of elastic, sorta like the rubber band.. (This was accompanied by a diagram and around half a page of precise constructional details)

2.Q: List the limitations of the Zener Diode Voltage Regulator.
Ans: Very difficult to obtain output during lab examination.

3. Found in the answer booklet under a huge drawing of a transformer:
THIS IS A TRANSISTOR.

Yeah, it is a fun job!

PS: I'd like to hear from you. Do give your feedback in the comments section.